When there's a conversation, are the words, the mediators which convey real meaning. There are some undercurrents happening which are invisible which fill your mind. In a conversation when these do not happen the conversation however full of words remains hollow. Empty space in your mind is never filled and you are not satiated of the words.
Have you ever conversed in such a manner? That you did not care for what words were spoken but you could get the underlying meaning? The trails of some undercurrents were flowing between two minds which allowed you to connect to the person and you got the person,you got what he or she means but not necessarily you got the meaning of the words that were actually spoken?
I am recently reading 'Age of Reason' in which the relation between two individuals is torn because of one event. 'Accidental Pregnancy'. They both want to get rid of it. Man and woman ask each other whether each wanted the child. The answer is 'No'. The answer from woman indicates 'no' but still the Man is not able to decipher this 'no'. This 'no' is combination of so many feelings that the man will never understand it fully, he will never be able to fully understand the thin undercurrents of real truth behind this 'NO'. He believes for time-being in that uttered word 'No' , but he knows its not 'No'. Its something else, and that something else also, he is not able to find. Although he becomes sure of one thing: that the relationship between them will not be the same anymore and whether both individuals will continue in the relation with the same commitment, interest. The Man is sure that the woman will hate him forever.
हे जे काही मी वाचलं त्यात इतके बारकावे आहेत की त्यांना समजणं त्या दोन व्यक्तींएवढंच कठीण आहे. नाते हे असे का असते? आणि असे नाते जे आपण स्वतः जोडले असेल तर ते तर महाकठीण काम. कशासाठी आपण असे नाते जोडतो? There are some age old myths about creating a relation. Myths and Fallacies, about security, affection, sense of fulfillment. Most of the time, we do not understand these individual terms ourselves. But we still want to create new relations in life in hope of giving and receiving these highly incomprehensible things.
Here's 'The relation-affected woman's monologue' which is not present in the book and its imagined..
This is what goes on in the person's mind in the relationship.
I called up and said, 'I wanted to say few things' You have always said why don't you talk in a good plain tone when your brain is not bursting and you are calm about what exactly you feel and think' so here I am talking about it when I just impulsively felt, this is the right time to talk. But at the same time at the back of my mind, there is a small voice telling to myself 'you(to my own self) self-centered, selfish moron, you just did the wrong thing again, calling him in the middle of his important work hours' But for time-being, I am ignoring this little voice and continuing.
Well I feel suffocated by some unseen and explainable pressures. Is this pressure a burden? I am not able to fully understand it myself. But I feel the pressure because of my presence in the relation. Because I am 'there' present in the relation , there are certain things getting affected in the next person's life. The next person is obviously you because I live with you. I don't deny the sense of comfort of living with someone, sure at times there is sense of comfort to be next to someone and to see somebody returning home and you are no more alone but I do feel that this returning home is caused by my presence. If I was not present the person would not have been obliged to come home feeling stressed with every added minute passed in the traffic jams, and feeling 'Oh I should be home quick and early because she is not well or she is not in a good mood or she might feel good if I show up! Would you be stressed or feel the need to come home if I was not present?.
You just make yourself think that you want to come home because you yourself want to do that, you 'want' to come home early but you make believe yourself about it. The real reason of your 'wanting' to come home is 'my presence'. This is so subtle that you almost believe it is your wish to come home whereas actually it is me who is making you do that.
So I feel pressurized that my presence is making changes to your life. Since the time I came in your life lot of things changed for you as well as me. Some changes were not good. I am brutally honest about some things which I don't like and they belong to you, they came in my life for no other better reason but only because of you. Why I have to deal with those things which I don't like simply because of your presence in my life? This pressure of trying to deal with things which I do not like become unbearable sometimes. The guilt of not being able to fit in. The guilt of bursting and blasting out about things I detest which harm the thin layer of serenity of this relation-bond between me and you. It is damaged long back. The burden of being with self is another thing but it the burden of being with someone is mixed with the burden of being with self, then its a disaster. When that pressure builds and slowly you start drowning, you just want to escape. The walls around you start closing in. And you feel everyone who are around you physically, virtually because of your presence are bringing this big pressing machine and you are about to be pressed inside the two huge flat surfaces of it. All these unseen, non-present people including you from whom I want to escape are just making me totally flat inside this machine. I just feel this house, these four walls are slowly coming towards me and there's just a space left so narrow that I can hardly breath it it. So at such times I do not want your presence. I feel I should escape, then you, your stuff, all that you have brought in my life will vanish and I will get the breathing space back.
That's why I want to build a house somewhere where I won't have any access to anyone. I will have access to anyone or anything whom I want to invite in my life. I am totally unsure whether such house can be built.
The pressure of living with someone while you are trying to live with your self is unfathomable. There are so many threads in it and it has such a complex weaving that you can never fully separate out the threads and look for there textures, colours and whether individually they strangle you or not.
If you had no problems living with your own self would you live better with someone else?
If you had no problem living with someone else would you live with your own self?
The guilt of living with one self. The guilt of living with someone else. The guilt that the other person is obliged to do certain things, is obliged to accept you at times for your wrongdoings, is obliged to ignore your shortcomings, is obliged to still try to make you happy(which never succeeds)
In anger , You have said 'I will live happily if you are not there in my life.' I am sure you will be more content to live with a furry soft toy than a real person. You have financial stability, you have security from the society that nobody will harm you on streets, in your private place. You have a freedom to choose what to eat, what to wear, You can also have a company of good friends at times. Then why choose a person to live with. What added to your life because of it. Constant thought have told me so far that my presence has added not much. There's nothing I am specifically doing, adding, to your life that makes your life better than it was before. Leave apart the good feeling of being with someone on a rainy day when you want to share a cup of tea with someone and that someone can be readily available if you have a partner in life.
A sure person who will accompany you, is bound to accompany you. And a sure person who is bound to call you in your busy hours and you have to pick up the phone and answer even if you are in the middle of some important work because you have given the right to that person, rather that person claims the right invisibly. There are so many unsaid, invisible rules, invisible obligations, invisible burdens that come in your existence because of that other person?
The thin lines of personal freedom that should never be crossed are crossed. Then who's to blame?
Anyways, I called you because I remembered you told me 'Why don't you talk when your are calm and in good mood about things you feel and why you always blast them out when you are angry and upset' and the expression is always I want to leave. Well I want to leave to. I feel like fleeing somewhere. Go absconding. Be anonymous. Who does not have that wish?
